Be Not Afraid of Love: Lessons on Fear, Intimacy and Connection

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I do not believe that grief ever disappears. Grief morphs and shape-shifts as we honor it, as it begins to entwine with the contours of love. At times, it can tug at your heart and break it, especially on days when you feel vulnerable and tender. On other days, it can fill your spirit with immense gratitude for a life that was shared and a life that continues. In the Tibetan Book of the Dead, I learned that death is not an ending but a transfer of energy. As our tears send spirits to the afterlife, their energy is transmuted to new life. Our grief transforms, too, into an energy of love.

With the online world, as wonderful a tool as it is, I always keep in mind that it’s only one dimension,” Zhu says IRL in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene Park, serene despite sweltering summer heat. Online, Zhu’s persona is compassionate and tender; in person, their energy is even more gentle. “The internet is a space for us all to feel less alone and to let a lot out, but we don’t have to share every part of ourselves… I reserve a lot for myself, which is a boundary.” Sometime after the rekindled relationship ended, I performed a long overdue funeral for the soul of our lost love. On small pieces of paper, I wrote every slur he had ever called me that was etched into my mind. This was an extremely painful practice, because I had to recall so many of the vulgarities that still lived within me. Each time I wrote something down, it felt like an extraction of poison. Looking at these slurs on paper allowed me to see that they were not inherent parts of me but lived outside of me. They were projections used to invoke fear in my spirit, and at the same time were reflections of the fear that lived in X’s heart. Twenty scattered pieces of paper surrounded me in a circle, and I read each of them out loud, burning them one by one. I cried as I read them, and I felt myself missing him too. This was a ritual of release. I watched them turn into ashes and realized that I was initiating a long overdue funeral service of my own. I allowed myself to weep as loudly as I needed to. I wept about the pain, the violence, the abuse, and for the first time in a long time, I wept for me. Grief is an ancestor who teaches us to exercise constant and immense gratitude.

2. New love stirs up past hurts.

If you notice that they are pushing you away, then stay away. Do not be angry or even ask the reason why. It is a good sign that they realized their defenses are broken, and they are trying to rebuild them.

It was a wild dream of mine. And I think the most private writing that I did was specifically surrounding very visceral experiences and memories that I have, especially surrounding my abuse, surrounding survival. I was always writing in private. I would go to the water, usually in Williamsburg, and just write by myself, literally thinking that no one would ever read it. Zhu might no longer be afraid of love, but other fears still linger with the release of their book. They’re afraid people will think they are “speaking out of their ass,” or that readers will think they don’t deserve the platform they have. They’re afraid that the inevitable criticism will affect their self-esteem, which they’ve worked hard to maintain. They are afraid that they’ll have nothing left to say after this book (they’ve already proven themself wrong, considering they’re currently working on another book). I was surprised to know Zhu has these insecurities — from the outside looking in, they seem charmingly at ease with themself. Then again, considering Zhu has taken everything that’s sacred to them and put it out into the world, it’s understandable. When our grief is neglected and unfamiliar, we begin to isolate ourselves in confusion. We cannot see that there are whole and multidimensional beings around us who have experienced heartache, and we become ignorant to the fact that we can be supportive to one another during these painful times. In a world dominated by performances that encourage us to portray ourselves as our most joyful, we begin to assume that everyone is free of grief. Perhaps we just want to cry with one another without judgment, or weep by ourselves and know that we can process our grief with somebody we trust. What happens when I am no longer embarrassed of my grief, and I am surrounded by humans, plants, and animals who hold me while I cry?

I absolutely adore this book. The way Mimi Zhu writes not only about her experiences but also the resources both in book form and physical resources in how that has helped her throughout her journey and her sense of community. I found myself resonating with so much of her words, and having such immense emotions throughout reading and learning of not only myself with love but my surroundings in community, my spirit and the world. I definitely will be getting my the physical copy (I read an audiobook) it was absolutely wonderful. Unless they specifically call for you, do not create too many “coincidences” to talk or meet in person, learn about their interests through social media or through their friends. A collection of powerful interconnected essays and affirmations that follow Mimi Zhu’s journey toward embodying and re-learning love after a violent romantic relationship, a stunning and provocative book that will guide and inspire listeners to lean into love with softness

An easy way to tell the difference between a fear and simply not being ready for a relationship is your reaction to the prospect of love. If the idea of love makes you anxious, scared, or feel like you want to hide away in your room or apartment, then that probably implies an unhealthy aversion to love. However, if you think about love and it sounds wonderful, but you don’t know how you’d fit it into your schedule or you think you might be doing a disservice to the other person because you don’t have enough time to devote to a relationship, then that’s a mature, well-thought out decision, not a fear.This book of essays is Zhu’s proclaimed love note to not just their readers, but themself, after a violent and abusive romantic relationship. A serene and transformative narrative that balances between sincere personal narrative and helpful healing tips, the book is a pure testament to human will and the embracing of love, even when it appears arduous. In a universe where we are taught to be hard and numb pain, this is a declaration to lean in and be soft as the cure.” Zhu constantly finds the political within the deeply personal, and vice versa. They don’t shy away from revisiting generational trauma in their family, which was impacted by their move from China to Australia, or delving into painful memories with ex-lovers. In one poignant section of Be Not Afraid of Love, Zhu processes their ex’s Asian fetish, drawing a line between X’s sexual interests and the history of orientalism, Western domination, and white supremacist ideology. As a writer working in memoir, how do you navigate writing about people you know and real life events? Without any institutional support, the 27-year-old has forged their own success by using their writing and art for self-reflection, building community, and healing.

People who are afraid of love were most likely betrayed by their ex. One of the ways that betrayal manifested is through lies. It follows that they will detest lies and liars.So before you begin and waste your time, decide to either go through with it till the end or quit while you haven’t lost anything yet. If you do end up trying, you will have to give it your all, and it may take years to achieve a breakthrough. Make a conscious effort to think about the things that drew you to your new partner. Think about how much they make you laugh or how thoughtful they can be. Note how different these characteristics are from your last toxic experience with love. Putting relationship baggage in the past doesn’t mean forgetting it. It simply means not letting it affect your current relationship.